Saturday, February 26, 2005

A Cowboy's Sexuality

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy andasked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,breaking colts, working cows,going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves,cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,so I guess I am a cowboy."She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soonas I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,I think about women. When I watch TV,I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboyand asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "I always thought I was,but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Monday, February 21, 2005

You Know You're 100% Texan When...

You 100% texan when............1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch.18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:"You wanna Coke?""Yeah.""What kind?""Dr. Pepper."

Friday, February 18, 2005

Frank Goes Hunting

Frank gets a new rifle and decides to go bear hunting. He spots a cute little brown beear and shoots it. A tap on his shoulder makes him turn to see a big black bear, who says:"That was my cousin, and you have two choices, I maul you to death, or we have sex."Frank thinks about it and decides on the sex. Two weeks later, after he recovers, he vows revenge and goes hunting again. This time he bags the black bear. Just after shooting it, he feels a shoulder tap. Turns around and there's a grizzly bear, who says:"That was my cousin. You wanna be mauled to death, or do we have rough sex?" Frank picks the sex. Several months later, Frank recovers and runs to the woods to kill the Grizzly. He enjoys the feeling of sweet revenge for a moment before he gets tapped on his shoulder.Standing behind him is an enormous polar bear. The polar bear just shakes his head sadly and says:"Just admit it, Frank.. you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Finding Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we start autumn we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started"
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel.... You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Blogs Worth Visiting

I’ve been surfing Blogspot for a few weeks and I’ve managed to track down some good sites. It seems like the ratio is around 9 to 1 for a blog worth reading and 23 to 1for blog worthy of notation. For a good blog that has helpful how-to posts related to pc’s and blogging check out http://redeyeweb.blogspot.com/ I like the info and the light touch there. If you’re into the 60’s California Surfer thing definitely head on over to http://surfersrule.blogspot.com/ for great pix and antedotes from a guy who lived the scene as a youngster and chronicled the days of summer with his trusty camera. Speaking of photo-images, here’s a blog site that you may have visited because it’s getting well known: http://helookslike.blogspot.com/ Where they post an unusual photo then write a silly back-story to fit the image. Visitor’s comments are excellent there. If you are into good music hook up with wfmu.org which has multiple blogs descending from it. WFMU is a fully volunteer run independent radio station broadcast to local listeners on 90.1FM dial but you can pick it up on the ‘net, fear not. No excuse to be listening to top 10 ever again! And if you dig selective music check out http://oldtune.blogspot.com/ for great history on obscure sounds. The last blogs are miscellaneous and worth the trip. http://olfroth.blogspot.com/ is on my list, as is http://itscomedowntothis.blogspot.com/ and another favorite is http://daligrind.blogspot.com/ and last but not least is a great site I just discovered where South Park seems to be a way of life: http://estacionamiento.blogspot.com/ and that’s it for now.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Debbie

I was lucky enough to be born 4th in a family having 4 children. Being the youngest of the brood has pluses and minuses. We’ll look at the bright side because flashlights are useless during the day. For me there was things that I was able to enjoy like my siblings record albums and art supplies that gave me a lot of happiness and helped to form the person I am.
Sadly, it wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I learned to appreciate one of my sisters. Debbie took life at her own pace and for a long time I mistook that as she was slow. Debbie wasn’t slow, she just liked to have a complete comprehension of what she was learning. Most students focus on the items that will be on the test, get the grade and soon forget what they had studied because they didn’t learn. Debbie learned.
Being as I was a raging party monster I resented my sister in my youth. I was doing things I wasn’t supposed to do and I knew it, so I had to hide these actions. Nobody needs the wrath of the parents. I used to think Debbie was against me, out for me and after me. Yikes.
One of the first things I remember learning from Debbie was around 10 years ago. We had met by chance and decided to go to a fast food for coffee and fries while we talked. Debbie had one of her little one with her, and not being a parent myself I became more aware of the little ones and their elders around us. Debbie picked up on this and quietly pointed out a lady that was rushing and pushing her little one. Debbie explained how destructive that behavior is because children time to eat and digest. I was impressed with Debbie’s insight and her observation comes back into my mind when I see a grown-up impatiently nagging a child. Fast food restaurants are depressing places.
Many years passed from that day and I had a great change in my life. I reached out to those I mistreated in an attempt to make amends. Debbie was so glad I called. She did not bear me any ill will for things I may have done. She loved me and was glad to hear from me. I talked to her about how bad I felt for being such a rotten kid. I mean, I was not nice to my sister, I’d even done some malicious property damage. I use to be a punk.
Debbie knew I was going through tough times growing up and she explained that older children are to help younger children and adults are to help younger people. The older more experienced person has attained a understanding of lessons such as school work, morals, game play - whatever it may be. And it is the responsibility of the older person to be patient and lovingly help younger folks to learn and understand lessons in life. Someone has taught us, now we teach someone. This is our duty. And we must perform these tasks with patience and love, remembering that new lessons may be difficult for the learner to understand at first.
I also learned from Debbie that we must keep in mind that we are all given a certain amount of time in life and then we are gone. So it is important to make ourselves available to family, friends, neighbors and loved ones. Anyone can pass on at any time and then your chance to tell them or show them you love them is gone forever. Don’t squander your time.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Toys That Urinate

Young children, toy collectors and freaks can rejoice: there is a newcomer to the Toys That Urinate marketplace. I first saw the Kelly Tinkle Time television commercial this evening and was glad that there were other people in the room to reassure me of what I’d seen. This hilarious commercial shows a toy toilet and a doll. Then hands whip down the dolls shorts, holds the doll above the seat and it lets a stream go. Only in America (I hope). Having seen an older Puppy toy that pees while I was perusing eBay in December I had to dig around to get an idea how big the Toys That Urinate marketplace really is.
I found more than I wanted to. The You & Me Baby is an electronic drink & wet baby utters the phrase: “momma, pee pee, pee pee”. Get out the lighter fluid. Looking around more I learned some of these leaky faucets actually have a purpose in helping as a potty training aid for little ones. Like the Little Mommy Potty Training Baby by Fisher-Price which will only pee in her potty (no mess!) - plus - joy!, she makes “real tinkle sounds”. Gotta’ have it.
There is even a Potty Elmo. And TV’s favorite quack, Dr. Phil, supposedly recommends the Aquini Drink & Wet Doll by Goetz which, as boy or girl, is anatomically correct. Just the facts, m’am. Hmmm. We also have Baby Drink N Wet. Go ahead, try and guess what it does. Baby Born is another moist toy on your local shelves. Ooh! Here’s a new Peeing Pup called Pipi Max. Pipi Max drinks water, walks, barks… and pees.
So with all these peeing toys coming and going on the shelves years after year (heh heh heh) that means that somewhere there are people who collect Toys That Urinate. And when there are Collectors there is a Club and Conventions and all the trappings that go with everything in America. And of these very special ‘collectors’ is one person who has the undisputed largest collection of Toys That Urinate. And that person is probably writing a book. Oh, the humanity.
What gems would one find in a well-rounded Toys That Urinate collection? Let’s see. No self-respecting toys That Urinate collector could be without the 1966 Uneeda Doll baby, a basic drink and wet treasure trove of fun. Maybe a 1965 Alexander drinks and wets doll would be next on the shelf. There is the must-have 27” Horsman doll from 1964 that wets AND moves it’s eyes. Damn! The 1960’s were turbulent times, what with student demonstrations, the war, free love and rampant drug use, there was a plethora of pissing plastic to pick from. I wonder if the 60’s were the glory days for Toys That Urinate?
It looks like a wide variety of toy manufacturers were in on the wet bottom babies. Kenner, Mattel, Horsman, Irwin and others produced boy and girl Toys That Urinate. One can only wonder how well the domestic firms fared against their imported competition. Just how cut-throat was the toys That Urinate marketplace?
We may never know.