Saturday, February 26, 2005

A Cowboy's Sexuality

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy andasked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,breaking colts, working cows,going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves,cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs,so I guess I am a cowboy."She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soonas I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,I think about women. When I watch TV,I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboyand asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "I always thought I was,but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Monday, February 21, 2005

You Know You're 100% Texan When...

You 100% texan when............1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals.7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch.18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:"You wanna Coke?""Yeah.""What kind?""Dr. Pepper."

Friday, February 18, 2005

Frank Goes Hunting

Frank gets a new rifle and decides to go bear hunting. He spots a cute little brown beear and shoots it. A tap on his shoulder makes him turn to see a big black bear, who says:"That was my cousin, and you have two choices, I maul you to death, or we have sex."Frank thinks about it and decides on the sex. Two weeks later, after he recovers, he vows revenge and goes hunting again. This time he bags the black bear. Just after shooting it, he feels a shoulder tap. Turns around and there's a grizzly bear, who says:"That was my cousin. You wanna be mauled to death, or do we have rough sex?" Frank picks the sex. Several months later, Frank recovers and runs to the woods to kill the Grizzly. He enjoys the feeling of sweet revenge for a moment before he gets tapped on his shoulder.Standing behind him is an enormous polar bear. The polar bear just shakes his head sadly and says:"Just admit it, Frank.. you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Finding Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we start autumn we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started"
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel.... You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Blogs Worth Visiting

I’ve been surfing Blogspot for a few weeks and I’ve managed to track down some good sites. It seems like the ratio is around 9 to 1 for a blog worth reading and 23 to 1for blog worthy of notation. For a good blog that has helpful how-to posts related to pc’s and blogging check out http://redeyeweb.blogspot.com/ I like the info and the light touch there. If you’re into the 60’s California Surfer thing definitely head on over to http://surfersrule.blogspot.com/ for great pix and antedotes from a guy who lived the scene as a youngster and chronicled the days of summer with his trusty camera. Speaking of photo-images, here’s a blog site that you may have visited because it’s getting well known: http://helookslike.blogspot.com/ Where they post an unusual photo then write a silly back-story to fit the image. Visitor’s comments are excellent there. If you are into good music hook up with wfmu.org which has multiple blogs descending from it. WFMU is a fully volunteer run independent radio station broadcast to local listeners on 90.1FM dial but you can pick it up on the ‘net, fear not. No excuse to be listening to top 10 ever again! And if you dig selective music check out http://oldtune.blogspot.com/ for great history on obscure sounds. The last blogs are miscellaneous and worth the trip. http://olfroth.blogspot.com/ is on my list, as is http://itscomedowntothis.blogspot.com/ and another favorite is http://daligrind.blogspot.com/ and last but not least is a great site I just discovered where South Park seems to be a way of life: http://estacionamiento.blogspot.com/ and that’s it for now.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Debbie

I was lucky enough to be born 4th in a family having 4 children. Being the youngest of the brood has pluses and minuses. We’ll look at the bright side because flashlights are useless during the day. For me there was things that I was able to enjoy like my siblings record albums and art supplies that gave me a lot of happiness and helped to form the person I am.
Sadly, it wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I learned to appreciate one of my sisters. Debbie took life at her own pace and for a long time I mistook that as she was slow. Debbie wasn’t slow, she just liked to have a complete comprehension of what she was learning. Most students focus on the items that will be on the test, get the grade and soon forget what they had studied because they didn’t learn. Debbie learned.
Being as I was a raging party monster I resented my sister in my youth. I was doing things I wasn’t supposed to do and I knew it, so I had to hide these actions. Nobody needs the wrath of the parents. I used to think Debbie was against me, out for me and after me. Yikes.
One of the first things I remember learning from Debbie was around 10 years ago. We had met by chance and decided to go to a fast food for coffee and fries while we talked. Debbie had one of her little one with her, and not being a parent myself I became more aware of the little ones and their elders around us. Debbie picked up on this and quietly pointed out a lady that was rushing and pushing her little one. Debbie explained how destructive that behavior is because children time to eat and digest. I was impressed with Debbie’s insight and her observation comes back into my mind when I see a grown-up impatiently nagging a child. Fast food restaurants are depressing places.
Many years passed from that day and I had a great change in my life. I reached out to those I mistreated in an attempt to make amends. Debbie was so glad I called. She did not bear me any ill will for things I may have done. She loved me and was glad to hear from me. I talked to her about how bad I felt for being such a rotten kid. I mean, I was not nice to my sister, I’d even done some malicious property damage. I use to be a punk.
Debbie knew I was going through tough times growing up and she explained that older children are to help younger children and adults are to help younger people. The older more experienced person has attained a understanding of lessons such as school work, morals, game play - whatever it may be. And it is the responsibility of the older person to be patient and lovingly help younger folks to learn and understand lessons in life. Someone has taught us, now we teach someone. This is our duty. And we must perform these tasks with patience and love, remembering that new lessons may be difficult for the learner to understand at first.
I also learned from Debbie that we must keep in mind that we are all given a certain amount of time in life and then we are gone. So it is important to make ourselves available to family, friends, neighbors and loved ones. Anyone can pass on at any time and then your chance to tell them or show them you love them is gone forever. Don’t squander your time.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Toys That Urinate

Young children, toy collectors and freaks can rejoice: there is a newcomer to the Toys That Urinate marketplace. I first saw the Kelly Tinkle Time television commercial this evening and was glad that there were other people in the room to reassure me of what I’d seen. This hilarious commercial shows a toy toilet and a doll. Then hands whip down the dolls shorts, holds the doll above the seat and it lets a stream go. Only in America (I hope). Having seen an older Puppy toy that pees while I was perusing eBay in December I had to dig around to get an idea how big the Toys That Urinate marketplace really is.
I found more than I wanted to. The You & Me Baby is an electronic drink & wet baby utters the phrase: “momma, pee pee, pee pee”. Get out the lighter fluid. Looking around more I learned some of these leaky faucets actually have a purpose in helping as a potty training aid for little ones. Like the Little Mommy Potty Training Baby by Fisher-Price which will only pee in her potty (no mess!) - plus - joy!, she makes “real tinkle sounds”. Gotta’ have it.
There is even a Potty Elmo. And TV’s favorite quack, Dr. Phil, supposedly recommends the Aquini Drink & Wet Doll by Goetz which, as boy or girl, is anatomically correct. Just the facts, m’am. Hmmm. We also have Baby Drink N Wet. Go ahead, try and guess what it does. Baby Born is another moist toy on your local shelves. Ooh! Here’s a new Peeing Pup called Pipi Max. Pipi Max drinks water, walks, barks… and pees.
So with all these peeing toys coming and going on the shelves years after year (heh heh heh) that means that somewhere there are people who collect Toys That Urinate. And when there are Collectors there is a Club and Conventions and all the trappings that go with everything in America. And of these very special ‘collectors’ is one person who has the undisputed largest collection of Toys That Urinate. And that person is probably writing a book. Oh, the humanity.
What gems would one find in a well-rounded Toys That Urinate collection? Let’s see. No self-respecting toys That Urinate collector could be without the 1966 Uneeda Doll baby, a basic drink and wet treasure trove of fun. Maybe a 1965 Alexander drinks and wets doll would be next on the shelf. There is the must-have 27” Horsman doll from 1964 that wets AND moves it’s eyes. Damn! The 1960’s were turbulent times, what with student demonstrations, the war, free love and rampant drug use, there was a plethora of pissing plastic to pick from. I wonder if the 60’s were the glory days for Toys That Urinate?
It looks like a wide variety of toy manufacturers were in on the wet bottom babies. Kenner, Mattel, Horsman, Irwin and others produced boy and girl Toys That Urinate. One can only wonder how well the domestic firms fared against their imported competition. Just how cut-throat was the toys That Urinate marketplace?
We may never know.

Monday, February 07, 2005

My Dog's Better Than Your Dog

1) The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous 2) Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. -Ann Landers 3) If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers 4) There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams 5) A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings 6) We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. -M. Acklam 7) Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -Sigmund Freud 8) I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner 9) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -Robert Benchley 10) Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard. -Dave Barry 11) Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones 12) If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -Unknown 13) *My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein * 14) *Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! * -Anne Tyler 15)* Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.* -Robert A. Heinlein 16) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx 17) Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. -Dave Miliman 18) If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain 19) Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras 20) *If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them*. -Phil Pastoret 21) My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog already thinks I am.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Miami Vice

It’s Saturday night and one of the cable channels is playing a mini-marathon of Miami Vice. The colorful cop show is as entertaining now as it was back in the late 70’s when it was one of the hottest shows on TV. Legend has it that one of the major channels needed a hot ticket to compete in the ratings. A bloke who is responsible for creating many mega-hits was brought it and big money was put on the table. The executives were ready to be dazzled by a major dog-and-pony show presentation. The idea man picked up a pad, scribbled on it, slid it across the table and picked up his check. Scrawled on the paper was two words that changed television history: MTV Cops.
Miami Vice was a huge piece of pop culture. Police shows had good history in television ratings for years, and this show was cutting-edge with flashy cars, beautiful women dressed to kill, rock n’ roll soundtracks, seedy criminal elements and good old American ultra-violence.
The Hardy Boys dipped in expensive trendy pastel couture were Crockett and Tubbs leading undercover cops, working with an unlikely team of crime busters that took out cocaine smugglers and major players on a weekly basis. Miami vice was as corny as the 1960’s Bat-Man TV series and had the big Hollywood guest names as well.
Those that had never been to Florida got to see the beauty of the architecture during chase scenes and long shots. Car fanatics got an eyeful of autos that broke the $100K price tag. Land locked snowed in work weary young adults tuned in and saw high power speed boats cutting across the sun drenched waters. Best of all were the women. Great looking hotly dressed women.
Those that lived through the Miami Vice phenomenon all too well remember the clothing copy cat craze that swept the country. Cheap knock offs of instructed suits, soft pants and light sandals were worn by young fellows on the prowl. I guess it was better than dressing like a disco duck, and it’s not like clothing manufacturers really give people a big choice on what to wear. They make it, we by it. As long as clothing in public is not an option.
There were even kits sold so you could make your ‘affordable’ Corvette look like a Ferrari. America had clearly lots it’s collective mind as Vice mania took it’s toll. Coke was as trendy as ever, and the drug of choice began cropping up in more remote regions to satisfy demands of the adventurous. Some things never change.
The violence of Miami Vice was an all-time high for TV. It was like the Depression Era in Chicago. Automatic and sub-automatic weaponry of the highest caliber (sorry, bad pun) was used and carried by the bad guys as if they were pocket knives. The police carried huge hand cannons and shot with deadly aim. And when the evil went down, it was no easy death. Head over heels, off the top balcony, from the ship to the pier, Miami Vice was a dream come true to stunt men and women to show their stuff.
Well, I got to go. Another episode of Miami Vice is about to come on.

Custom Wrist Watch

Months ago my wife mentioned that she would love to have a Banana Splits wrist watch. For the uninitiated, The Banana Splits was a wacky TV show which premiered in 1968. Four costumed characters, Fleagle, Drooper, Bingo and Snorky, frolicked and had fun in short segments then introduced cartoons & a live action segment titled Danger Island. The Banana Splits were unique and are fondly remembered by many children of the time. I myself am a fan and a member of an online fan club at http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/thebananasplits/ and being a finder of treasures I took on my wife’s challenge with gusto. The weeks rolled by and no luck. I used every online search engine and key word I could think of. No stone went unturned as I hunted down Collector’s corner Web Rings and Clock Shops, Watch sellers and manufacturers, importers, exporters, you name it. Even the garbage can of the world, eBay, with thousands of watches to choose from and Splits ephemeral galore, did not have what I sought.
I lucked out recently by meeting up with a fellow from Canada who makes Custom Personalized Wrist Watches. I had found two online companies who offered this service but their prices were high and you had to order in large quantity. The good Canadian was willing to make one-shots at a price lower than the bulk order companies sold at. Sweet! I sent off a International Money Order with artwork of Snorky (my wife’s favorite Split) on CD-ROM. Mind you, this was under $25US. And I had a choice of watch face dial style and band, too.
A little time went by and the Air Parcel package arrived. SWEET! This guy had done an incredible job on making the custom Snorky wrist watch. It was perfect. When my wife got home and saw it she flipped. I have not seen her that happy in a long time.
Since I had a good experience with this vendor I figured I’d let you know about him too. If you want to give yourself or a loved one a truly unique gift check it out at http://pages.infinit.net/fggl/memoris

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Hairspray

It’s a banner night because Hairspray is on TV. I’ve been a John Waters fan since I was a young pup and part of growing up was seeing Pink Flamingos for the first time. Me and me droogies took great delight in Divine’s ballsy turd eating scene. No one had ever put something that good on film before - at least not that we had seen. The years rolled by and we would sometimes take in the midnight movies on the weekend but they were always slicer dicer gore fests. As I aged my tastes and interests naturally changed. I’ve always been big on music, movies and books. I tried different genres in hopes of being a well rounded person, which I finally accomplished with the help of snack foods.
As the years went by trendy things would quickly come and go but there was always John Waters. Mr. Waters is to the cinema as Frank Zappa was to the world of music. Eclectic, inventive, artistic and above all always entertaining. Waters was never one to crank out copious amounts of glitzy Hollywood garbage. John’s movies came slowly, as if the world was not yet ready for what was to come. Waters had the classics Mondo Trasho and Multiple Maniacs before Pink Flamingos but P.F. had the big distribution that made John a household name - at the Manson’s house. Most Waters fans had to seek out the earlier works years afterward when recorded media playback devices became affordable and movie selections became plentiful.
Female Trouble and Desperate Living were the last of the old-school outrageous Waters works.
Polyester was kind of a pivot point, as the Waters name continued to grow and his discipline toward the mainstream slowly fought its way in. Hairspray brought John his largest audience to date as a campy fun film that held up well to repeat viewings. Name fame continued to grow with Cry Baby as actors let it be known they wanted their names and faces in a John Waters film. The kitschy goodness continued along with star power with Serial Mom and America found another family to love in Pecker. Cecil B. Demented was the film that made me decide to wear a pencil line thin mustache in homage to Mr. Waters. And I’m looking forward to taking in A Dirty Shame when I can get my hands on a dvd.
Over the years I’ve caught John in different talk show appearances and the like on TV. I try to learn more about Waters and the late great Divine, a man of incredible talent who was taken all too quickly from this stinky world. Any way, I got to go. Hairspray is on!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Mental Patients

Mental Patients Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Extremely Hot Sites

The other day I wrote about a few web sites that I enjoy, and I hope you liked them too. Today’s blog entry is on Extremely Hot Sites - sites so scalding that I have to use capital letters for effect. These are gems that live in the true spirit of the web, where the mighty dollar does not rule and rules themselves are bent. These sites make this article worth printing and sharing with your friends.
Bypass Compulsory Web Registration:
http://bugmenot.com/ Lets online users visit sites while maintaining anonymity. Many sites require registration which sometimes includes pesky questions of a personal nature or multiple pages of pick & choose what freebies you want nothing to do with. Next time you come upon a site you would like to use or peruse that demands registration copy the site URL and head on over to BugMeNot.com where access passwords to over 50,000 web sites is as easy as doing a cut n’ paste of the URL (address). You supply the URL and most probably BugMeNot.com will share a password from the vaults. You get to enjoy the site you found hassle-free, just like it should be.
Free Network Query Tool Extraordinaire:
http://www.samspade.org/ Reviews by major players scratches the surface of this powerhouse ware. CNN rated Top 10 for spam control tools. ZDNet twice gave Sam Spade 5 out of 5 stars for info finding abilities. SlaughterHouse Pick of the Day rating 4 out of 5 skulls. Net Surfer found it loaded with nifty tools and recommended the Daily Tips feature. The Jerusalem Post: it's literally got dozens of other uses. The most useful feature, though, has got to be it's super-comprehensive help files - including manuals and tutorials on Internet addresses, spam, e-mail analysis, and, of course, detailed instructions on how to use each of Sam Spade's tools. It's your computer - and Sam Spade can help you learn more about it than you ever thought you could. Don't just be a victim; download Sam Spade and strike back at the Internet and e-mail nasties with some tricks of your own! Detective work has never been this rewarding.
Answers To Computer Questions:
http://experts-exchange.com/ Is a professional IT answer site that tells you what you need to know by one of three methods: 1. Join and pay. 2. Join, pay, participate and get credited. 3. Google your query and peruse e-e archived answers for free. This is where I go when the chips are down.
Excellent Prices on Excellent Books:
http://www.abebooks.com/ Recommended to me by a psychoanalyst years ago (mind your own damn business) abebooks.com is the source for finding any book you are in search of. Thousands of Book Stores are linked here, and your search will provide a selection to choose from based on grade/condition. Faster than waiting for what you want to pop up on eBay.
A - Z Home Maintenance & Repair
http://handymanwire.com/ Covers whatever you need to know to play Mr. Fix-It by perusing archives or posting queries. Like having a friend in the business.
Stuff For Free, Honest
http://freecycle.org/ A grassroots organization site where people who wish to get rid of useable items for free post their wares. Nice when you need something and you’re broke, handy to get rid of something you just don’t want. This social experiment has been growing like wildfire since it started.
That’s it for today.